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stri_ped_dots's journal
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La Vie du Laina.  i'll mend myself before it gets me i'll mend myself before it gets me i'll mend myself before it gets me i'll mend myself before it gets me call your name everyday when i feel so helpless i'm falling down but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt. this weekend is gonna ROCK. chilling out at the reynold's graduation with a prospective someone and i cannot wait to get dressed up! got my new car in the driveway, prospective new employment tomorrow... now all i have to do is forget what brought me here in the first place!! for all we know this void will grow. things change so quickly who knows where you will be tomorrow. shrouding yourself in a secrecy denser than the Dead Sea. all the while questioning the worth of all that is left to tether you to every breath. all the while marvelling at the outlines of memories past; shadows dancing across the present with such conviction it is a wonder you can take the next steps past them. it is a wonder that time goes on. lost and lagging behind in all aspects other than those which esthetically enhance the plastic smile you hide behind. the distance never mattered, but now it mars your soul. stuck in the transition unsure what will come next; redemption of faith, or reality of hopelessness? who decides. close my eyes and the cold metal in my hand doesn't burn so much. back and forth, higher and higher. keep them closed and be in those moments. open them up, and hear reality. silence. girl, that is crayyyyyyzeeeeee. nothing's too crazy anymore. lets get this show on the road and pray hardcore that karma is on my side. they're ruined, i've made them so ugly. and now everyone will know for the rest of my life. god it hurts like nothing i've ever felt. i tend to jump into self-realization at the worst times in my life that affect my future the most. worst of all is not being able to tell anyone and having to see their disappointed faces and the disdain in their voices as i leave another seat empty. what am i doing? what do i need to know? why is there never enough time? living in all our separate worlds we are there only for ourselves. i miss the days when we were all there for eachother. even though you were all so far, i knew i could turn to you. my personality sliding through the grates more and more as i switch it on and off as it was never meant to be. decisions are never final and swing back like a pendulum; erasing and defying all reasons that i thought made them final decisions. my life flashing down the empty road i drive along with the wind in my hair, revelling in the feeling of my cares dancing with it. the world opens responsiblity revealing its proud face i tear it down with hesitation as if there were never any walls at all. the naivity destoys me they have no clue what they're doing, and i've been there. like everything is a storybook and will happen just because you want it to. how will you -get- yourself there? i remember sitting in the hollow tree with her and that's the day it all collided. the mess has remained since that day a piece of me still with her in the hollow tree. i myself am responsible for these walls i've built so resentfully but cannot tear down. my face is marble carved into everyone else's vision of who i should be frozen into something i can't see. it's a dream in the day it haunts in the night. where will you go from here? you're back in your own tangled web of destruction again. you dug yourself out last time but it's a different year and things matter and you're reaching for the unattainable. just tell yourself you can, and maybe you will. lesser miracles have occured before. but this time...i want it with all of my heart. Current mood:  blank.
Dear LJ, People always leave Things always change. Love, Laina the end, the beginning, or nothing at all; the tears pour, as i wonder where you are, and how you can do this to me. i've cried, i've screamed, i've hurt, my heart has torn; i don't feel the cut. it's nothing to this. a tiny cut unnoticed - the blood settles into the folds of my skin - the anatomy of the cells and their chosen alignments. each line a river, mingled with the salt of the ocean from these eyes; tracting little rivers down my arms. dark circles and ricochet everything invite confusion. pressing fingers to temples as it all becomes too much. falling to the ground on my knees, at your mercy. i hate, i love, i hurt. 5 emails, no reply. the walls fall down the wind tears the rubble. london wreckage and destroyed dreams. radiohead nostalgia, lying back in ecstacy of not feeling a thing. happy 14 month anniversary. I guess I sort of see it, now... that doesn't stop it from being any harder. not much longer, now, till i'm out of here and away from all this. standing there sort of makes me wonder... why didn't i pick up that extra course so i could get out of here a YEAR early? i don't know, now. but it doesn't matter. i just can't help but think that maybe if you were here, or you... that those day to day things just wouldn't do this to me. this can't last forever, time can't make things better... dear all, i am off to kelowna tomorrow morning. i wish i could say it was finally forever, but it's much less than that. it's been a weird last while. no one knows what that means to me, at least no one i have added on here so...conclusions can't so much be drawn. it's a strange feeling. i'm really sad, i'm not gonna lie. but at the same time...i'm going to be in a place i love with the person i love most in the world tomorrow. i'll be on a plane this time in 12 hours. i have lots to do, so i can't write as much as i'd like, though i guess i might filter it quite severely and keep most of it within me. however... change sucks right now. there's a lot of people i love who should be here, but aren't. then are those that were here, but now there's a big empty hole where they have been torn out. i'm glad i'll be away from that for just a little while. keep ya posted. kelowna, alex; here i come. all i can say, is that you're such a piece of work i can't stand it. get out of my face. i'm not stupid, and i'm not going to take it anymore. the pretending to be nice thing? it's over. you make me hate coming here and i'm done. |
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